1…2…3…I am lost. So very lost.
I’m tired of hiding it and pretending I’m ok, because I’m so not. I think I’ve been pretending to be ok for ten years. That’s a long time to shove away feeling lost and heartbroken, but when you have enough well-meaning people in your life always saying you are strong and brave and mature and inspirational, you make it your mission to fill those rolls and become those things. But you know what I’d rather be for a little bit of time? Dependent and unsure and reckless and confused. Because those are the feelings that I locked away in a safe and buried deep inside myself when I was thirteen and now they are screaming to get out and have started driving my life choices. And hey, guess what?! Brokenness does not often lead to wise choices. There’s some free advice for ya.
It totally sucks to fall apart. (I know, my writing is so eloquent these days.) But sometimes you just gotta fall apart and be sad and hurt and lost and it doesn’t just last for a day or a week like you’d like it to. I’m almost three months in currently and the majority of the time I didn’t realize I was in pieces. Other people knew it though and it took someone firmly [and repeatedly] telling me wasn’t ok to see it. And even so I initially defended myself adamantly that I was “over it”, I was “fine”, “moving on” thank you very much- Because I’m Mariah and I’m strong and independent and happy and my past doesn’t affect me! Now leave me alone I’M FINE. I’M HAPPY GODDAMN IT.
Famous last words before someone goes off the deep end…
Wanna know how you can tell you’re not ok? When it’s 2:30am and you’re sobbing in your friend’s truck because you realize that you’ve been dealing with a broken heart long before your ex-boyfriend broke up with you. That was simply the last straw and the real reason you have a broken heart is because life hurts.
That’s a very specific example, but we all have our turn around moments and that was mine. I didn’t wake up all better the next day either… I actually woke up a bit hungover, in all honesty. But I did feel free from being trapped behind a veil of false positivity. Free to just be my broken self for a bit. Yeah, I’m still strong and brave and whatever but right now I’m kind of a mess. But the good news is I’m only twenty-three and I can’t think of a better time to have a break down! The even better news is I have God and he has promised to fight for me when I can’t and to lead me when I’m lost.
So maybe being lost isn’t such a bad thing after all…Maybe when you are so far lost God can finally take you where you need to be. And that sounds quite nice to me.
I’m not ok, but that’s ok. Because in the end everything will be ok, and if it’s not yet ok then it’s not yet the end.