A step-by-step guide on what to do when your dog chews a tube of red oil paint on your carpet

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1. Stare in horror and astonishment at the scene you are witnessing for approximately 15 seconds while the truth sinks in
2. Grab dog and toss her outside
3. Sit by stain and cry
4. Get advice and consolation from roommate
5. Google “Oil paint toxicity in dogs” and feel a little better realizing you are not the first this has happened to
6. Call vet
7. Call Pet Poison Control and debate about whether you want to spend $40 to talk to a professional
8. Hang up and call Mom
9. Decide $40 is the price you must pay to rest easy
10. Redial poison control
11. Receive the “all clear” and lament that you just spent money on that
12. Give dog a banana because you have absolutely no bread in the house to soak up any paint in her stomach
13. Google “Remove oil paint from carpet”
14. Play some Taylor Swift because she can make any situation better and begin cleaning carpet. While you clean you can: A. Decide to never have kids because this is probably what it’s like, B. Think about who you need to cross off your Christmas presents list because you just dropped 40 bucks, C. Pledged to never kill someone on carpet because it would be impossible to hide the evidence, D. Remind yourself that this will be funny in 3-5 years, E. Take a disgruntled selfie, F. All of the above.
15. Call Dad/Landlord to break the news and praise the Lord that he’s your dad and has to love you no matter what you and your dog destroy
16. Put dog in tub and lather and rinse until she no longer resembles a fluffy little murderer
17. Make yourself a well-deserved and tasty dinner
18. Read a good book
19. Hug and kiss dog, because at the end of the day carpet is replaceable but your fuzzy, silly, happy little friend is not
20. Go to bed!!!

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